Archive for March, 2005

I had a spiritual funeral last night.  God and I had to put some things to death.  God has been trying to kill some stuff in me for a long time that needed to be killed but I’ve been fighting.  Last night could have been avoided – but thank GOD it wasn’t. 

I won’t go into all the details here.  Maybe later but not right now. Things are raw and I still have to process some stuff but I do know this – it is going to be okay.  I’m exhausted in every way, I’m physically sore from the fight but God stayed with me.  God didn’t let me down.  God won’t let me down.   I can’t begin to describe how it makes me feel to utter those words AND to believe them with my entire heart.

God never ceases to amaze me.

In the meantime, here is a poem I wrote awhile back which relates to my funeral and what was buried by God’s grace last night.

O God of Jacob . . .
When will my wrestling end?
The tormented struggle within me.
When will rest come?
When will my spirit prevail?

To submit means more than giving up my wants.
To submit means admitting my need.

This burden is heavy; I am tired of carrying it.

The prison of self-sufficiency binds my soul.  The chains of rugged individualism, against which my soul does strive, shackle me. My solitary confinement – a judgement rendered by one intimately closer than my peers.

O God of Jacob . . .

How my soul desires to stop resisting. Can you hear my desperate cries?

to collapse into your arms and as a helpless infant, depend on the care of my Parent, my Provider.

Catch me, God. . .

I no longer want to bear this weight upon my shoulders. My soul is heavy – saddled with my need to not be –
in need.
out of control.

I’m tried and weary of this fight. Why won’t my feet leave this shore?  My soul longs to leap from its deceptive safety and be swept up into your breathless wind – to float, to let go, to lose sight of the shore, to be a child.

I need you.  Why are those words so difficult to speak?

Bless me, God.  Consume me.  Let me see Your face.

O God of Liberation . . . rescue me from myself.


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Two months . . .

It has been nearly two months since my last post.  Typical 21-year-old! HA 🙂 

Well, life has been incredibly busy the past two months.  Good but busy which seems to be the way of the world these days.  It is like we are all running this race trying to keep in pace with those around us but everyone is secretly wishing someone would call it before we all collapse from exhaustion.  Who will do that?  I’m not sure but I know God has been speaking to me for some time about this unheavenly pace we all keep and how it’s not of God.  I need to take action on it and encourage others to do the same.

So a quick summary of the two months . . .  I’ve  been working an insane amount of hours as our church reorganized in January.  Moving to Pastor of Children and Students requires a great deal more work and planning.  So, much of my time is trying to keep student ministry afloat and to start putting some body to some children’s ministry visions I have.  In February, I went skiing with the church trip over the break.  We took 41 individuals (half youth, half adults) to Copper Mountain over President’s weekend which was great fun.  It was probably one of the better trips we’ve had in regards to weather.  However,  I still am not a huge skiing fan.  The cold, the speed . . .  yeah, not really my thing.  We had our big youth DiscipleNow weekend the first weekend of March and that went great.  Had 95 youth participate as we talked about plugging into God as our source of life.  Good reminders and reflections. Then, on March 10th, my beautiful mom turned 60!!!  I had much of the family over for a celebration dinner.  We were quite kind to mom because we love her and because she would kill us if we made a big hoopla! 🙂

The past three days we have had a Lenten Reflection at church.  Our guest speaker was Dr. Wayne Stacy.  It spoke about church leadership in Bible perspective.  Fascinating and eloquent speaker who really put forth some great challenges about being the kingdom of God and that the church is counter-culture.  I found these to be much needed reminders for myself as I struggle with selfishness daily.  When selfishness exists, I forget about my call to be in the world but not of it and to consistantly, without fail, be a part of revealing the kingdom of God to the world around me.  The kingdom of God being this state of perfect peace and goodness where God reigns supreme and God’s ways prevail. Some great things to chew on and renew my commitment to.

I will strive to be more faithful to my posting albeit I have made such grandious promises before with miserable results.  I do hope to reflect more on some life thoughts and journeys I have rather than the day to day reporting of my humble and quite unadventurous life.   And I invite you to enter the dialogue with me as well through comments.  That is if I ever give you anything of consequence that stirs you to ponderings.

Peace –


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